My mother is 87 and has dementia. A few weeks ago, my father made the difficult decision to place her in long term care. It just became too much for him to care for her even with daily help . My parents have been married for 62 years. For the first time in all those years, they are no longer living together.
I know this day has been coming for a very long time. All of us have. I am not really sure how much the advanced knowledge helps you cope.
I focus on what makes me grateful. I am thankful for the many years that my Dad looked after my Mom as best he could. How he so stoically believed that it was his responsibility to look after her. I am grateful that many years ago when they were still very healthy, my parents had the foresight to move into a complex that had a range of options from independent apartments, to assisted living to nursing home care. Today, despite their different care needs they are close together and remain in a community that they know many people. I am grateful that my Mom, so true to who she is, has handled the transition with grace and a kind heart. I am thankful for my sisters who help shoulder the ups and downs of my parent's journey. I am thankful for the staff that have made my Mom feel welcome. I am so very grateful that even though my Mom is in the nursing home, my Dad is with her every day.
It breaks my heart to see the two of them struggle to navigate this new situation. My Mom not understanding why she needs to be in the nursing home. I find myself torn between being an advocate for my Mom and being empathetic to the seismic shift in both their lives that makes them cling to old habits and routines. My Dad has started to bring her back to their apartment to watch TV together and to make her lunch and eat together. I am just not sure if is good for either of them or if they should find new routines. I want to focus on making her new room as warm and comfortable as possible, I think my Dad is struggling with accepting that that her nursing home room is nothing more than a place for her to sleep. I think he thinks her real home is still with him.
So I try to focus on what I know for sure and can control. What I know is the woman that the nursing home staff encounter is not the woman that my Mom once was. Now she struggles to remember most things.
I want when they enter my Mom's room to know more about her than she can tell. To maybe connect with her on topics of conversation that she can no longer initiate. The simple name plate on her door - Donna Clark - is not enough. I made a bulletin board with a description of my Mom, her life, her interests and her family. Hopefully when people walk in the room to care for her, they will see much more than an elderly woman who is often confused and struggles to find conversation.
We have spent a lot of time planning vacations where we have explored other continents and countries but we have not been very good at learning about the wonderful places that are much closer to home.
